


Deep Blue

by kawaiisumi



Category: Free!
Genre: Depression, Gen, Self-Harm, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 11:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15971270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiisumi/pseuds/kawaiisumi
Summary: "Things felt differently lately. The sun began to set earlier, and there was a cool bite to the air. The tree leaves had long since been swept away by the autumn winds, and it wouldn’t be long until there was snow on the ground."Aka, the one where Haru is diagnosed with depression.





	Deep Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Yay!! Finally on AO3! I wrote this fic a while back, because I thought it would be an interesting concept to explore. Haru as a character really intrigues me. His personality is so malleable, and can be applied to many situations. In this specific one, I explored the idea that Haru's closed-off, isolated personality was due to his struggle with depression, triggered by his encounter with Rin leading up to the events of season 1.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> *Trigger Warnings for self-harm and mention of suicide*

**Deep Blue**

_Aka, the one where Haru is diagnosed with depression._

_Trigger Warning(s): Self-harm, mention of suicide._

 

Things felt differently lately. The sun began to set earlier, and there was a cool bite to the air. The tree leaves had long since been swept away by the autumn winds, and it wouldn’t be long until there was snow on the ground.

Haru lay on the floor of his bedroom staring up at the ceiling. The lights were off, but the curtains were open, spilling dim afternoon light on the 12-year-old’s face. The clock read 3:36. Makoto should be at swim practise right now.

Haru sighed, turning onto his side, back toward the window. It had been 2 weeks now since he quit the swim club. At first, Makoto would follow him home and beg him to just try coming back. But Haru wouldn’t. After the first week, Makoto stopped coming. Now Haru spent the afternoons lying on the floor, staring at nothing, or perhaps lazily eyeing the homework that had begun to pile up on his desk. He heaved a heavy sigh, covering his eyes with his arm. But no matter where he looked he saw Rin.

That face Rin had made when they raced two weeks ago… The pain… The disappointment… Had he caused that? If his swimming caused Rin that much pain, swimming wasn’t worth it anymore. How could something he loved so much cause someone he cared about so much pain? He hoped Rin wouldn’t quit swimming. Haru didn’t think he could live with himself if Rin quit swimming because of him.

“Haruka?” He could see the shadow of his mother’s feet from the other side of the door. She knocked softly, “It’s dinner time.”

Haru squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push the image of Rin’s heartbreaking expression out of his head. “Not hungry.”

There was silence. After a while, he heard his mother’s footsteps retreating back downstairs. Haru woke up the next morning, still on the floor. He didn’t get up until his mother told him the bath was ready.

XxXxX

“Haru… Have you lost weight recently?” Makoto stared at his best friend, who was slowly changing into his pajamas. It was late, and the two had finally decided to retire from their long night of playing video games at Makoto’s house.

“Dunno,” Haruka replied simply, pulling his shirt over his head. Makoto was probably right. A lot of his clothes felt a lot bigger than they had before.

“Have you been eating properly?” Makoto asked, his bothersome fretting beginning to eat at Haru’s nerves.

“Not hungry,” Haru replied again. “I don’t wanna talk anymore.” He turned away from Makoto, crawling into the futon laid out on Makoto’s floor. He pulled the blanket over his head, blocking out the bright ceiling light.

He could hear Makoto moving around the room; putting his glasses in their case, turning off the lights, and climbing into bed. There was silence, and Haru thought Makoto had fallen asleep, before the other boy spoke. “Swim club isn’t the same without you,” Makoto said. Haru didn’t move. “Mom needs more help at home, so I think I’m gonna quit too.”

“Do whatever you want,” Haru grumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. He didn’t see Rin anymore when he closed his eyes. Just inky darkness, so thick, no light could come in.

He could hear Makoto stir in his bed, “What do you want to do Haru?”

The question hung in the air. Obviously, Makoto wanted to know why he quit the swim club. What was he going to do instead? What did he want to accomplish by quitting?

_I just want Rin to keep swimming_ , Haru convinced himself. It wasn’t because he didn’t care about anything anymore. It wasn’t because he couldn’t be bothered to try anymore. It was because he hurt Rin’s feelings and that was it. Right?

“I want to sleep,” Haru replied, his voice soft and distant.

Makoto didn’t say another word after that.

XxXxX

 

He skipped the first day of school. Haru squinted to look at his brightly lit cell phone screen, sending a quick text to Makoto that he was staying home and for him not to come by. When the message was sent, the teen sighed, tossing his phone somewhere on the floor. He stared up at the ceiling, a sliver of light creeping along from the rising sun peeking through the drapes. What was the point of the first day of school anyway? This was second year. He knew his way around the school. The first day was all formalities; teachers confusing him for a girl on the attendance sheet, classmates saying hello and pretending that they had missed seeing him over the break, none of that mattered.

Haru sighed irritably turning over onto his side. His uniform hung behind the door of his bedroom. He hadn’t bothered to iron it and hanging it overnight had done nothing to help the wrinkles. _I couldn’t even go to school if I wanted to anyway,_ Haru grumbled to himself, _I’d look like crap_.

His phone buzzed with a text from Makoto somewhere on the floor. Haru sat up, peering at the clock. Was it already 7:30? He fumbled out of bed, tossing his sweaty t-shirt off, and picked up the phone.

_Text from Tachibana Makoto: Are you okay Haru-chan? Why were you up at 5am anyway?_

Haru stared, tugging at his bangs irritably. He snapped his phone shut, throwing it onto his bed. _I need a bath_ , he thought to himself.

XxXxX

“Nanase-kun, can I talk to you for a second?”

Haru looked up from putting his books away. His homeroom teacher, Amakata Miho smiled sympathetically at him. The look on her face sent his heart plummeting into his stomach. Haru glanced quickly at Makoto, indicating for the taller teen to go to swim practise without him.

The classroom emptied quickly, until it was just Haru and Miho, the former shoving books into his messy bag. “I’m putting together everyone’s report cards,” Miho said, sitting on the desk in front of her student. “I’m a bit… worried for you.”

When Haru said nothing, she continued. “All of your grades continue to decline. Is there something you’d like to talk about? If you’re having trouble keeping up with the curriculum, I can set you up with the proper academic resources! As Einstein once said-”

“I don’t need help,” Haru mumbled, pulling stray papers out of his bag and crumpling them in his fists. “I’m fine.”

“Nanase-kun…”

“I said I’m fine,” he insisted, shoving the wads of paper in his pockets. “I’m going to go to swim practice now.”

To his surprise, Makoto was waiting outside the classroom when he exited. “Haru, are you sure you’re okay?”

Haru breathed a heavy sigh, “You too?” His expression softened when he looked at the tense worry on his best friend’s face. “I’m fine. Just… been putting off homework lately.” He looked down at his shoes, walking away.

XxXxX

 

_Why does everyone have to worry about me so much_? Haru thought to himself miserably. He sat in the bathtub. The water had since gone cold, but he couldn’t find it in himself to move. The silence in the room felt deafening. There was a sort of language he and the water used to share, but even now, the water was still and silent. Haru sank further into the bathtub, letting the biting cold water slide over his skin. He squeezed his eyes shut.

_I want to stay here forever._

XxXxX

“HARU-CHAN? HARU-CHAN CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Haru was jarred awake by the sound of sloshing water and the familiar voice of his best friend. When he opened his eyes, he saw Makoto. His face was pale and his green eyes wide with fear. His uniform shirt sleeves were pulled up to the elbows and he was covered in water. “Haru-chan, Haru-chan,” Makoto chanted erratically, pulling the limp teen out of the tub. “Haru-chan, you’re freezing, how long have you been in there?!”

“Stop calling me Haru-chan,” Haru said lamely, feeling his body collide with the floor as Makoto tried to wrap him in towels.

When he was all dry, Makoto laid him in bed, continuing to fret, swaddling Haru in blankets. “Makoto, stop it,” Haru said weakly, trying to push away the blankets. But he couldn’t even find the strength to move.

“Don’t tell me to stop,” Makoto replied, climbing into the bed and laying down beside his friend. “What were you doing in the bathtub so long? You could have caught a cold, or worse, frozen to death in the tub.”

“Would that really be that bad?” Haru whispered. The instant he said it, he regretted it, because Makoto shot up, staring at him ludicrously.

“What are you talking about Haru? You’re scaring me,” Makoto pinched the bridge of his nose. “Should I call someone? Your parents maybe? They’d know what to do-”

“Don’t call them,” Haru said crossly, frowning and shifting his body away from Makoto. “Just leave me alone.”

Makoto sighed tensely, sucking in a breath through his teeth, “I can’t just leave you like this! Something is wrong. This isn’t the Haru-chan I know… Please tell me what’s wrong so I can help-”

“Nothing is wrong!” Haru snapped finally, sitting up, despite the wooziness that came with moving too quickly. “You just worry too much and stick your nose into places it doesn’t belong!”

There was a moment of silence. Haru’s shoulders heaved with the amount of effort it took to yell. “Sorry,” Makoto said quietly, getting up from the bed. “I guess I’ll just go home then.”

Haru felt a wave of guilt wash over him, “Makoto… Wait…”

“No don’t worry Haru, I should just mind my own business, right? I’ll leave you alone now.”

Haru fell into stunned silence, shutting up like a clam as Makoto walked out of the room, sliding the door shut behind him. He winced as he heard Makoto leave the house, slamming the door shut behind him. Haru buried his face in his hands, biting his lip and willing himself not to cry. It had been a long time since he’d cried. He hadn’t even cried at his grandmother’s funeral. A stinging sense of guilt filled his chest, aching in a way he had never quite felt before.

_Go away,_ Haru hissed to himself, clutching at his hair with his hands, _Just go away!_ His heart hammered loudly, blood rushing in his ears. He struggled to stand up, feeling clumsy and heavy on his feet. He rummaged through his desk drawer until he found the item he was looking for. He sat on his bed, wincing as he dragged the scissor blade across the thin skin of his wrist. Blood began to fill the wound, dripping onto his bedsheets. When he tried to move his hand, the pain was excruciating, sending a tingling chill down his back. He took a deep breath. At least the guilt was gone.

_I need a band-aid,_ Haru thought quietly to himself.

XxXxX

Haru stayed home the next day, keeping the curtains drawn. He drowned himself amongst the blankets and the pillows. Yet, sleep wouldn’t take him, his mind reeling in deathly silence and a haze of blurry thoughts he couldn’t piece together. He sighed irritably, squeezing his eyes shut. In the afternoon he heard Makoto at his front door again, ringing the bell and calling his name.

_Go away, go away, go away,_ Haru thought to himself, pressing his hand against the bandage on his wrist. He hissed, feeling the pain sizzle through his skin, distracting him from the headache his thoughts were causing him. _Why are you here anyway? I’m a bad person. I said bad things to you yesterday. I don’t deserve your sympathy._

After a while, the doorbell stopped ringing. His phone buzzed from across the room, and he knew it must be Makoto wondering where he was. Haru gathered all his strength just to cross the room to pick up the phone.

_Text from Tachibana Makoto: Where are you Haru? I came by your house, but no one was there. Are you okay? We missed you at school today._

Haru swallowed dryly, staring at the phone without a clue of what to say.

_Text from Nanase Haruka: Fine. Just tired. Went grocery shopping. Don’t come over._

He let the phone fall from his hand as he sent the message, feeling another oncoming headache. He glanced at the pair of scissors he had tossed onto the floor after last night, inhaling until his lungs were full and aching. He reached down to the floor, picking the scissors up and gripping them tightly in his hands. He sat on his bed staring at them, when his phone buzzed again. He didn’t bother reading the message, kicking it under his bed. He finally fell asleep with his arms aching, but his mind quiet.

XxXxX

“… I’m not going in,” Haru said finally, zipping up his swim jacket all the way up to his chin.

“EH?” Nagisa whined, his jaw dropping. “But Haru-chan is always the first one in the pool.” The younger boy wrapped a towel around his waist, beginning to remove his uniform shirt. Haru stared at the blonde’s arms jealously. He wished he had nothing to hide. He wished to be as carefree as Nagisa. But he just couldn’t shake the feeling of heavy weights pressed on his chest, and the searing score marks crossing his arms.

“I don’t feel like it.”

“That doesn’t sound like you Haruka-senpai,” Rei chimed in now.

Haru huffed, “So? Can I not want to swim for one day?”

The two younger members fell into stunned silence, as Haru slowly withdrew, crossing both arms around himself like a hug. “Maybe you just need a break Haru,” Makoto suggested, folding up his uniform neatly and storing it in one of the cubbies.

Haru felt his face warm with shame, a painful stinging in his eyes as he looked to the ground. Makoto could sense something was wrong, suggesting that the other two members of the team get started on their warm ups outside. With just the two of them in the changeroom, Makoto shut the door, looking worriedly at Haru who had slumped onto the bench in the middle of the room. “Haru… What’s going on? I know something is wrong.” Haru looked up. Makoto was bathed in the golden light of the sunset, filtering through his hair and lighting up his bright green eyes. But his gaze was downcast, clearly troubled by whatever was bothering his best friend. Haru burned with shame, feeling unworthy of his friend’s sympathy or attention.

“Nothing is wrong,” He insisted stubbornly, turning around. He couldn’t bear to look at Makoto anymore.

“You know if something’s wrong you can tell me,” Makoto said, his voice soft and far away. Someone like Makoto was too good for him. He shouldn’t be tainted by the looming storm clouds that always seemed to be over Haru’s head. Haru swallowed thickly, “I’m fine. Just go swim already.”

He heard Makoto hesitate, standing there in silence for a moment. When Haru didn’t say any more, he slowly exited the change room, shutting the door behind him. Haru exhaled, not even aware he had been holding his breath. _I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve anybody._ Haru scolded himself, irritably drumming his fingers against his knees. He stole a glance at his backpack, an overwhelming blossoming pressure filling his chest. He stood up hastily, rummaging through until he found his prize, wrapped up in paper towel, sharp and cold. _I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve this,_ he repeated over and over in his head, feeling lightheaded as the blood dripped from his reopened wounds.

_I deserve this._

When the dizziness passed, he sucked in a breath, before heading into the bathroom to find napkins to clean up the blood on the floor.

XxXxX

He stopped eating altogether. Kou was the first to notice. “Where is your bento Haruka-senpai?” she asked. Everyone else was sitting on the roof, getting out their lunches, but Haru hadn’t moved an inch. It was nearing summer time, so the boys had removed their school jackets. Next week they’d be switching into their summer uniforms. Haru was not excited to try to work his way out of the short-sleeved shirt.

“I forgot,” Haru replied lamely, laying back on the ground.

“Don’t worry Haru-chan, I have you covered!” Nagisa said cheekily, “I’ll share my Iwatobi-chan bread with you!”

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop eating those!” Kou scolded the blonde, hitting him on top of the head and taking the bread.

“Ah Gou-chan is mean! Give me back my Iwatobi-chan!!”

“Nagisa-kun, just share with me,” Rei sighed, “I have enough to go around.”

“Ah Rei-chan is the best!”

Rei ignored Nagisa jumping on him, wrapping his slender arms around neck. “You’re welcome to have some as well Haruka-senpai.”

“Not hungry,” Haru said, “I ate a lot for breakfast, I’m fine.”

That wasn’t true either. Every morning Haru couldn’t find the will to make breakfast, let alone eat it. Regardless, even if he tried, he’d end up feeling sick and throwing it up anyway.

“Ah… if you say so,” Rei said, although the concern was written clear as day on his face. “Make sure you have a healthy dinner to make up for it.”

Haru watched the birds circle in the sky, “Yeah, I will.”

XxXxX

The next day was gym class. Haru had dreaded this day coming. Their gym uniform was a white t-shirt. There was no way he could get away with the bright red scabs that were still healing on his arms. The night before, he had spent an hour wrapping tensor bandages around them, trying to find a way to make it look more inconspicuous. It didn’t stop Makoto from staring at his bandaged arms with his eye brows raised. “Pulled a muscle,” Haru insisted, pulling on his gym shirt.

They were running laps around the school today. The hot sun blazed overhead, sweat beginning to bead down Haru’s neck. His stomach was painfully empty, but he shook it off and started jogging slowly alongside Makoto. He knew his friend could run much faster, but Makoto tended to stay with him, because he was so slow at running. _I wish he would just go away_ , Haru thought to himself irritably, huffing and puffing as he continued to push forward.

“It sure is hot today,” Makoto mused, running alongside Haru. His friend had grown quieter over the past few weeks. Before, it felt like Makoto knew everything Haru was thinking, but now it was like Haru was a completely different person.

“It’s annoying,” Haru responded simply, sweat pouring down his face. It hadn’t always been this hard to run, but lately he’d been skipping a lot of swim practise, and his muscle tone had been slowly declining as he continued to nibble only on crackers at night before bed. It hurt to breathe, and his arms stung as the salt in his sweat mixed with the fresh cuts he had given himself last night.

“Haru, do you need to stop?” Makoto asked him, sensing the shorter boy’s distress. But Haru didn’t hear him. Blood roared in his ears, as the path right in front of him began to dance. His whole body felt like it was on fire. “Haru, can you hear me?” Makoto said, slowly coming to a stop. “Haru? Hey Haru… Wait…”

_Stop talking. So annoying._ Haruka thought to himself, feeling like the whole world was spinning and all he could hear was Makoto screaming. He felt Makoto pick up his head with his hands, laying him on his lap. When had he fallen onto the ground? “Haru-chan? Haru-chan can you hear me? Haru-chan? Someone help! Help!”

_Makoto…. You worry too much._ Haru thought to himself, right as his consciousness crumbled, and finally collapsed.

XxXxX

Haru woke up in the hospital. The first thing he noticed was the IV drip inserted into the back of his hand. He groggily looked down. His arms were bandaged with starch white hospital wraps. He winced. The doctors must have seen them. He really hoped Makoto or anyone else at school hadn’t.

“You’re awake.”

To Haru’s left, there was a doctor. A head of curly blonde hair and the faintest of smile lines around the corners of her eyes and lips. She had a pink stethoscope around her neck, and her labcoat read “Miyako Shiinka – Psychiatrist, M.D.”

The last thing Haru needed was a shrink on his case. “You don’t have to say anything right now,” Dr. Shiinka said, smiling warmly at him. Something about her already sent bad vibes through his whole body. “My name’s Dr. Shiinka, I’m here to help.”

What Haru really wanted was for her to just leave him alone.

“Do you remember anything before you passed out?”

Haru shook his head, his mouth sealed shut. He wouldn’t meet her in the eye, focusing instead on the IV drip and watching each drop fall. “When you came to the hospital, you had extremely low blood sugar. That’s probably why you fainted,” Dr. Shiinka continued. “Have you been eating Haruka?”

He didn’t answer that one. He kept his eyes focused on the IV, refusing to even acknowledge that she was talking to him. But the doctor didn’t seem to take the hint. “Everyone’s worried about you Haruka. If you can tell me what’s wrong, I can help you.”

“I don’t need help,” Haru said finally, tearing his eyes away from the IV to look at her with his steely cold eyes.

She smiled sympathetically at him, leaving a sour taste in Haru’s mouth. “Can you tell me what happened?” She asked, nodding to his bandaged arms. Haru scowled, crossing them over his chest.

“It’s none of your business,” Haru snapped.

“Have you been hurting yourself?” Couldn’t she tell he didn’t want to talk to her? Usually, Haru’s ice cold stare was enough indication to anyone around him that he didn’t want to talk. But she just kept asking personal question after personal question. When he didn’t answer that question, she kept prodding. “Have you ever had thoughts of killing yourself Haruka?”

Red hot rage boiled inside his chest. “Shut up!” Haru yelled finally, looking at her with the most incredulous face. “Why are you making all these assumptions about me? You don’t know anything about me! Who do you think you are? Just leave!”

His shoulders heaved as he struggled to catch his breath. Yet, Dr. Shiinka looked unscathed. “I know it’s hard to talk about, but if you want to get better, you have to cooperate with me.”

Haru frowned, “I told you. There’s nothing wrong.”

Dr. Shiinka squeezed his leg through the thin hospital bedsheets. Haru flinched. “We’re going to get through this.”

XxXxX

Haru stared at the prescription bottle. He had spent two week in the hospital, Dr. Shiinka visiting him every day. She kept trying to squeeze nonexistent answers from him, but he wouldn’t budge. Had she given up on him? Haru didn’t know, and he didn’t care. But when he had been discharged from the hospital, he was given the bottle of pills and one refill prescription.

_Take once daily, with food,_ the bottle said in clear lettering. He threw it across the room, heaving a frustrated sigh and collapsing onto his bed.

Depression, that’s what Dr. Shiinka called it. He had what she called in fancy terms “major depressive disorder”, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. She had pressed that bottle of pills in his hands and asked him to promise to take them. He didn’t say anything, but she smiled and patted the back of his hand as if he’d agreed.

“Haru? Are you okay? I’m coming in.” The door slowly slid open, and there was Makoto balancing a tray of food. They would only discharge Haru from the hospital with a support system at home in place. Makoto had taken it upon himself to stay with Haru for the next few weeks, making him food and sleeping on his floor in a futon. Ever since Haru had been diagnosed, it seemed to him like Makoto thought he was a ticking time bomb. Haru hardly had any alone time. Makoto would always be there, lurking at every corner to make sure Haru didn’t do anything unsafe.

“You don’t need to keep making food,” Haru insisted, turning his back on Makoto, who set the tray down on his bedside table.

“If I didn’t, you wouldn’t eat,” Makoto replied calmly, picking up the bottle from underneath the dresser. “Haru, you need to take this.”

“I don’t need it,” Haru said stubbornly, pulling the blankets over his head.

“Just try it,” Makoto pleaded, looking at Haru with his concerned green eyes. Haru peeked over the covers, feeling a wave of guilt wash over him. He was tired of being a liability to all his friends. The overwhelming feeling made his heart race, and the first thing he wanted to do was find his scissors. But Makoto had taken them all out of the house, along with anything else that was sharp. Haru exhaled through his teeth.

“I’m not taking them,” He said, burying his face in his pillow.

“At least eat something then,” Makoto said, stirring the hot soup he had made.

“Not hungry.”

“Haru, you can’t get better this way,” Makoto took a breath, trying to stay patient. “You have to at least try.”

“You don’t have to stay here,” Haru snapped, his face still smothered in the pillow. “Just go home. This is obviously too bothersome for you.”

“Haru it’s not like that. I understand that you’re having a hard time, I just-”

Haru sat up suddenly, looking at Makoto with painful blue eyes. “You ‘understand’? You don’t have any idea how I feel. You just think you know everything! You think that eating and taking some stupid pills will make me feel better? How could you possibly know that?” Haru snatched the bottle from Makoto’s hand, “You can’t understand, so stop trying to act like you do.” He irritably opened the window by the bed, tossing the bottle out into the backyard. “Just go home. I don’t want you here.”

Makoto bit his lip, saying nothing as Haru lashed out. “Fine. I’m sorry Haru-chan.” He slowly rose from the bed, walking out of the room and shutting the door behind him.

Haru breathed, coming down from his fit, his head clearing and realizing what he had done. The tears stung the back of his eyes. And for the first time, he couldn’t do anything except cry bitterly.

XxXxX

“Haru.”

It was hours later. The sun had set, and the twilight blue had crept into Haru’s room, casting deep shadows on the floor.

“Go away Makoto,” Haru grumbled, turning so that his back was facing the door.

“It’s not Makoto.”

Haru lifted his head. Rin was standing at the door. His hair was tied back and away from his face. He was still wearing his leg skins, with just his Samezuka jacket draped over his shoulders. “What do you want Rin?” Haru asked finally, after a moment of silence. Rin moved across the room, sitting on the bed, the mattress creaking at the added weight.

“We need to talk Haru.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Haru bit back seethingly, sitting up and burying his face in his knees.

Rin didn’t say anything for a moment. “Can… Can we at least go swimming then?”

Haru twitched, unsure how to proceed. “What good will that do?”

“Just trust me,” Rin insisted, taking Haru’s hand. The dark-haired boy lifted his head, looking at Rin who had this knowing expression on his face. “I think I need to remind you of a sight you’d never seen before.”

XxXxX

The two snuck into the Iwatobi High swimming pool. By this time at night, the full moon shone brightly, lighting up the water with light. Rin shed his jacket with ease, sliding into the pool soundlessly, looking at Haru expectantly to join him.

Haru hesitated, clutching at the sleeves of his jacket and holding them firmly around his arms. “Haru, you don’t have to hide. I already know,” Rin said softly, holding out a hand to his friend.

Quietly, Haru peeled his jacket off his sweaty skin. He felt embarrassed. He was nothing but skin and bones, all his muscle tone gone. His skinny arms were slashed with angry, half healed scabs. Haru could feel his ears turning red, as he flushed with shame. “There’s nothing to be afraid of Haru,” Rin said, further reaching out his hand to prove his point.

Haru slowly took it, easing himself into the pool. It had been a long time since he’d gone swimming. He shivered as the cool water touched his skin, submerging him in the smell of chlorine and salt. He winced, feeling his wounds protest.

“I know how you feel,” Rin spoke finally, after a moment. “I know you don’t believe me, but I do.”

Haru said nothing, simply standing like a statue. Water had once been his element, but now he felt like a total fish out of water.

“When I was in Australia… I hit a wall. A lot like yours actually,” Rin continued, even if Haru didn’t say anything. “I couldn’t go to swim practise, I couldn’t go to school… Eventually I couldn’t eat or even get out of bed. All I could think about was how I deserved to be unhappy and everything would be better if I just died.”

Rin’s face was neutral, neither sad nor happy. His eyes wavered with a flash of nostalgia and melancholy. Haru swallowed hard. “Russell and Laurie were really worried about me. They took me to so many doctors. I did it all. The therapy, the pills, the diet, the exercise… Nothing helped. I didn’t want to get better.”

Haru shifted uncomfortably. “So… So what did you do?”

Rin turned to look at him, exhaling softly and running a hand through his hair. “I fell apart. I ended up in the hospital, a lot like you did. I didn’t leave for a long time. See, I…” Rin’s voice faltered, and Haru could sense his tenseness. But the redhead took a deep breath and continued. “I cut myself, just like you. But on my legs. One day I just… cut too deep and… you get it.”

Haru was silent, trembling in the cool pool water. “When I woke up, Laurie cried just because I opened my eyes. I couldn’t bear to see her look like that. I thought, I had to get better, not just for them, but for me. So I tried all those things again, the therapy, the pills, the diet, the exercise. They didn’t work at first, but slowly, I started being able to get out of bed. And then I could eat breakfast, and go to school, and go back to swim practise. I felt like I was finally getting my life back.” Rin turned, looking at Haru. If Makoto was the sun, Rin was the moon, bathed in the white light of the night sky stars. “I want you to get your life back too. This isn’t the end, I promise you. You have me, Makoto, Nagisa, Rei… Hell, even Gou. We’re all here, and we’ll be waiting for you.”

“… I don’t know what to do,” Haru said finally, choking out the words over the lump in his throat. He squeezed his hands tight, his nails digging crescents into his palms. “I… I don’t want to be like this. But every time someone tries to help I just… I just get angry and push them away.” The tears filled his eyes, and before he knew it they were falling, streaming down his cheeks like a sudden torrent of rain. “I don’t want to stay like this, but I don’t know what to do.”

Rin took a step toward him, and Haru flinched, taking a step back. “It’s alright Haru. You don’t have to know what to do.”

“I don’t?”

Rin reached out and put a hand on Haru’s shoulder, “Do you think I knew what I was doing when I first started? I was a mess. It’s a long and hard road, but you can get there, if you just try. Take one step at a time.”

Haru took a deep breath, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. “I want to try,” he finally admitted, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his chest. “C-can… Can you help me?”

Rin smiled, flashing his shark teeth at his friend. “You don’t even have to ask.”

And they lay there in the pool, floating on their backs and watching the stars. Haru sighed in relief. He could hear the water again.

XxXxX

When they arrived back at Haru’s house, Makoto was fast asleep on the couch. “Why is he still here?” Haru asked, putting his shoes away in the closet.

“Makoto would never leave you, even if you yelled at him,” Rin replied, shedding off his jacket and laying it over Makoto. “He’s the one that called me.”

Haru felt a fresh wave of guilt blossom in his stomach. Rin sensed this, quickly clapping him on the back. “Haru, you don’t have to feel bad. Makoto is your friend. He’d do anything for you without complaining.”

“… I guess you’re right,” Haru said, walking up the stairs as Rin directed him, his hand pressed against Haru’s back.

When Haru came out of the bath, Rin was sitting on his bed. “Here,” he said, tossing something at Haru. He fumbled for a second, but Haru caught the item, turning it over in his hand. It was his bottle of pills. “How did you-”

“Makoto got it. When we went out, he scoured the backyard for it.”

It was true. The label was stained with grass and dirt. Haru couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been to find in the backyard. He hadn’t cut the grass in months. Rin nodded to a glass of water and a package of crackers on the night stand, “Take them.”

Haru took a deep breath, sitting down on his bed, Rin squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. He opened the bottle of pills, putting one in his mouth and gulping it down with a mouthful of water. “That wasn’t so bad, right?” Rin said, handing Haru a cracker.

Haru took the cracker, chewing slowly. “No,” he whispered, swallowing. “Thanks Rin.”

“Anytime Haru.”

“Are… Are you gonna stay the night too?”

Rin smirked, looking at Haru with mischievous eyes, “That’s romantic, ain’t it?”

“Shut up, you’re sleeping on the floor in the futon.”

Rin shrugged, sliding off the bed and onto the floor. “Yeah, yeah. I know I could never compete with Makoto.”

Haru laughed, startled by his own actions. It had been so long since he’d laughed, or even smiled. Rin chuckled in response, “That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile since we were kids, maybe not even then.”

“Shut up Rin,” Haru grumbled, though he didn’t mean it with any ill intent. He climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. “Good night.”

“Good night Haru.”

And for the first night in a long time, Haru slept peacefully. The days would get better soon, he just knew it.


End file.
